July 5th, 2012
The physical body is an amazing vehicle for transformation. The month of June was spent accessing and releasing hidden and trapped emotions within my physical body. Since I broke my leg in a long mountain tumble last winter I have had a surgery and ongoing physical therapy. What follows is how it all went once the Physical Therapists took me as far as it could go on the physical level. The emotional level was about to be unleashed.
Yesterday I met with one of my physical therapists. He hasn’t seen me for a while, as I have two women and a man. The women kept me on an exercise routine and regularly maneuvered my right knee and hamstring muscles to aid in my full restoration of my injury. I am wanting to review my home exercises with Scott to see how to continue to make progress. I appear to be at a standstill not gaining any extension in my gait. Scott looks at the program and says you cant’ be doing exercises all day. He proceeded to ask about the pain and I told him it hurts in my upper thigh (IT band), below my knee and sometimes down to my foot.
Next he went to my right hip and began poking and prodding, finding all the key places which caused me to writhe and groan with pain. He holds the point of pressure releasing the trauma of the fall. As I lay there with the pain, breathing deeply, releasing with screams and shaking out of my system the accumulation of trauma my body took in on that cold winter morning. I tumbled some 200 yards of steep terrain in terror down a long double black diamond trail called Avalanche. I tried to go past that trail, but the ice took me down anyway.
Now I was the avalanche…all the terrible feelings of not knowing if I could stop myself… imminent death looming. The memories of yelling when no one could hear. Finally I commanded myself… STOP ! STOP ! STOP! Remembering what I did to stop the avalanche from getting to the bottom of the mountain. It all came to the front of my mind and vibrated itself with movement, breathing and loud screeching out of my hip, my muscles, fascia, tendons, ligaments, nerves, blood and bone. I am shaking, vibrating, breathing deep in order to let it all go. I want to pass through it again with a witness to my terror. That is who this man is. My witness to my releasing, relieving for a few minutes my terror of the tumble.
At first it sounds kind of easy maybe even fun to roll down a hill like when you were a kid. The truth is, until now I didn’t realize I held so much trauma in my right hip, since it was me knee that broke. Each time my body turned over my hip led the way toward the earth and the frozen impact. I too, had been frozen until now. All is connected. I visualized those moments where my body was parallel to the mountain turning over and over with my right hip taking the brunt of the impact and force. I managed to hold my head up enough not to be slamming it on the hard pack snow and ice. My hip saved me and here it was releasing and me and my pt helper witnessing the trauma return and becoming consciously visible and known to us. A gift to me to have my hip be the holder of it all.
Thank you hip for saving me from increased death or destruction of my precious body. Thank you. I love my hip and how it holds me upright and safe.
I also began to remember an earlier impact when I was 12 years old. I fell/jumped off my horse twice while running full tilt and hit the earth with great force….more releasing creating a space for healing… freeing the trapped emotions of terror from an earlier time in my life…creating a space for healing. Room for something new to come in. Interesting how injuries have a way o repeating themselves.
It is all good, the releasing. Like giving birth we breath deeply with sound. Loud, powerful, sound through the pain and trauma. We come out the other side feeling brand new and free from the pain, free from the trauma imprint placed on the physical being. As we open it receive and allow the flow of trauma energy out and the influx of new energy in we are restored and healed.
We need our loving witnesses and therapy helpers to access the pressure points of pain we are not always willing to access on our own. They open us up t o our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies, to become truly free and present to our selves.
Thank you Scott, Laurie and Nancy for your healing hands and open hearts holding a space for me to be all I am in fear, terror and trauma. I am now free.
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