Forgiveness Healing Through The Physical Body?

April 9th, 2012

At  birth we are delivered into the sunlight with a physical vehicle, some would say temple, of a flesh, bone and fluid.  What purpose does it serve?  Why do we abuse it so? When will we fully understand the reasons for this journey through physical life on Earth?    tulip_123

Busting up a body part (acl avulsion of the right tibia) has allowed me to reflect on these questions.  Stopping my daily routine long enough to wonder with my imagination why I am here and what is my purpose.  The gift of my physical body has allowed me a vehicle to feel and allow  illusions to fall away.  The season of  Lent is a journey  that regularly brings me closer to God.  This year my body with it’s broken bone is showing me the way once more.  How fragile is the flesh and how consistent is the spirit,  the mind and the heart?  What I have discovered as I have been forced to stop and be still is that forgiveness is a wonderful way to wander through the levels of pain that stay stuck in our being, our bones, flesh and blood.

Forgiveness is the last sacrament Christ gave in his physical body before he “died”.   He forgave everyone everything. This is something I am beginning to understand.  The physical body holds pain and incurs suffering as the flesh and bone break apart.  Yet for me, my experience with physical pain is showing me something I did not understand before.  The process of forgiveness takes all the  pain away and replaces it with Love (Love Heals All Remember).  It led me to wonder if Christ actually felt any pain during his crucifixion.

Does the body hold pain because we are wanting of love and forgiveness of each others  pain?  Seems to me it does. Can the body let go of all pain when we are in a complete state of forgiveness and love as Christ was?  My experience with my recent injury leads me to believe the answer is YES.  I broke my leg.  It didn’t hurt too much.  Curious??  The swelling, the discomfort  was present yes, but  severe, throbbing pain NO!  When I took the pain medication as prescribed by doctors I felt more sick from nausea due to the medication than I did from the pain of the injury.  HMM? Curious some more??

The same happened after my surgery.  The medication, Percocet, demurral, morphine,  all made me feel so ill.  As soon as I stopped taking the meds I felt much better and noticed the pain in my knee was minimal and certainly very manageable.  This caused me more wonder, because I remembered that when I broke my wrist 16 years prior on the very same mountain (Cannon) the medication was necessary and vital to handle the pain and my sanity.  Back then I did not feel any nausea.

Therefore, I am very curious and wondering if my many years of personal process and emotional clearing  have changed the way I feel pain physically?  I know how to clear emotional pain and have been DOING it.  Now, I am realizing the truth I always suspected but did not fully understand via my experience.  Which is;  through regular and consistent pursuing of who I AM, and with the releasing , clarifying, understanding and acknowledgement of my own emotional, mental and spiritual pain,  my biochemistry has indeed changed enough that the degree to which I feel physical pain is lessened?  Alleluia! Miraculous!

During my latest recuperation the tone of forgiveness I am delivering to myself and other, has brought me deeper into my bones.  I have been releasing  what was held in guilt, resentment, jealously, fear and lack of love toward myself or another.  These feelings toward the ones who broke my heart with alcoholism and disappointment allowed me to begin another walk of forgiveness while my legs were still.    I wonder if Jesus Christ felt any pain at all.  Could his forgiveness have been so powerful he felt only forgiveness, love, and bliss as he was beaten and disparaged while he headed toward his father?   I found a validation of this idea through  A Course In Miracles which teaches this as it’s core.  With this understanding I began to forgive myself deeply and consciously.

Gradually over these Lenten weeks I have been releasing, feeling and resisting with consciousness all of the illusory perpetrators who levied against me unjustly incidents, accidents, abuse and neglect.  I forgave one by one and all in one from the crystal of my bones.  Even those who were without alcohol, but neglected to tell something of love or importance for my well being.  Any and all who ever broke my heart.  They did knot know I was broken hearted, as they were unconscious and in illusion within an illusory world.  And Neither did I.  All is released and forgiven…We are all one and of the same spirit and of the same LOVE.

During this Easter season, I am excited to experience my own resurrection and the Joy  that will be revealed…to be continued.

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A Winter Soltice 2011 & The Long Journey Through Alcoholism

December 13th, 2011

A Winter Solstice 2011 and The Long Journey Through Alcoholism

What happens to your Energy Field during the darkest part of the year? Like every other rhythm of a season, winter contracts, closes, slows down, goes inside. That is what we humans do too. We look on the inside for our sense of self. We seek the warmth and shelter from the looming darkness.

The Winter Solstice of 2011 is approaching and I am severely feeling the contraction. Needing to go inside. MY self, MY house, and do some housekeeping of sorts. Cleaning up my act from those dusty cobwebs of my inner being and long ago past. This year’s theme has been revolving and evolving within me around how I live with alcoholism. What are the effects it has had on me as an adult child of an alcoholic? I came to understand in the fall of this year how dark it really is for me.

The trigger points have been glaring in my face and there is no escape from them. The smell of it. The memories of the terrible Christmases and feelings of helplessness that arise when someone is drunk in my presence.

It became increasingly harder to keep myself from not registering the impact. So finally, I allow the impact to be felt. To notice how it still feels. Then the memories flood in again and my body reacts. Shuts down…I begin the numbing process. It lasts sometimes a few minutes or an hour. Other times for days. I don’t like how it feels and so I take a bath.

This year 2011 I figured out something BIG. The alcohol and interactions with someone using it gives me an experience of PTSD. Yes indeed I was traumatized over and again by out of control drunks in my early childhood and into adulthood. For the very first time I am acknowledging that I have been traumatized and continue to relive the trauma on those occasions where I am not able to manage myself and the symptoms that occur when someone around me is drinking . The darkness of how I feel sets in. And I shrink, I contract, hide, I get smaller and don’t shine MY light.

Now, this Winter Solstice I will have words to describe it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Realizing and understanding the descriptions of those symptoms is very FREEING and I have become more consciously aware of ME. Of MY FEELINGS! Yes I am traumatized. Yes I am very stressed. Yes I feel a large sense of disorder creeping into my life.

WOW…words to now describe further what it is like to be an adult child. To be an adult traumatized as a child. Being relocated every few months. Dealing with drunks in the middle of the night and cleaning up after them in the morning. Finding my way to school pretending everything is all right. Ahhh the safety of learning…

Learning I have PTSD surrounding alcoholism is a new badge of identification I give myself when I am unable to manage my emotions for a time. I allow myself to be angry, sad, grieve what could have been, numb and slowly recover back to my self and my own joy as I take a long hot bath into the long dark night. Contracting into the womb only to come out more clear and cleansed of the sense of helplessness. Just a little more expanded. It is no longer true that I am helpless and vulnerable. I am now an adult and can make a boundary and say NO where and when it helps me to stay safe and feel good.

As the holiday parties kick into full gear I can keep myself ok, by recognizing who’s around me, what they are doing and how I choose to feel about it. I have the choice to go home, to leave the room and go take a bath. Recovering myself from the fray of disorder. Choose carefully for yourself. Be aware of your triggers. Be gentle and kind to yourself as you wade through the mess from the past and step into the light of a new beginning. A new way to remember who you are.

Peace to you during this often challenging time of alcohol, holiday parties and family challenges.

May the Winter Solstice bring many Blessings to you and all your kin for Recovery, Harmony, Prosperity, Health and Well-Being.

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